absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
