i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
