it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
