it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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