it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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