so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize