I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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