youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
