We got so high we made milksteak
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
