I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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