I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
we're so committed to being not committed
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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