I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
