as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
