I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
