please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
