My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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