Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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