why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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