You can't special order awesome
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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