I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I intend to get homeless drunk
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
