I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
