We got so high we made milksteak
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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