no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
