Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
