every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
