I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
