you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
