Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
