walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
