Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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