My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
