I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
