my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
