matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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