fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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