The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
