my room smells like sperm. sweet.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
