I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
