omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
