So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
