Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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