I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
