I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
