I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's just like the Real World with babies
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
