I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
