My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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