It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
