Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Im part way to drunk.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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