a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize