The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
