"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
