I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just gargled with NyQuil
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
