Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
