sarcasm needs its own font
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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