We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
