She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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