dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
