I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My vagina is officially offended.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
