Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
