i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
ttyl tear gas
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
