Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
